


berlin winter

by jimboy



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Autism, Berlin (City), Canon Disabled Character, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, POV Hermann Gottlieb, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Hermann Gottlieb, Trans Newton Geiszler, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28918827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimboy/pseuds/jimboy
Summary: Hermann plans to spend his first winter in Berlin alone, studying and, as Karla would say, brooding. He should know by now that plans can often go very, very awry.
Relationships: Karla Gottlieb/Vanessa Gottlieb, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, Raleigh Becket/Mako Mori
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to try and update this and keep with it as much as possible, the chapters will be quite short so I don't get ahead of myself (I've made that mistake before). I'm really proud of this work so far and I hope I can complete it :]

There are monsters again. Huge ones, bigger than skyscrapers, looming over him, scrutinizing him. He’s standing outside his house in Garmisch-Partenkirchen and they are there, looking down at him. They look just like the ones in the comic books under his bed. His father doesn’t like when he reads comic books, he says they rot his brain. His mother thinks he should be allowed to do whatever he wants when he’s bedridden. 

He’s bedridden. So why isn’t he in bed? 

His legs suddenly give way as he realises, and he tumbles to the cold pavement, gasping in pain. 

The comic book monsters peer down at him. They growl and Hermann whimpers in fear, covering his face as they reach down and snatch him from the pavement in their claws, sharp and glinting in the morning sunlight.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermann’s phone was buzzing far too loudly. He groaned and lifted his head off his desk, pawing around to locate it. 

“Hello?” He mumbled, refusing to open his eyes.

“Hermann!” His sister’s voice came through the phone and he felt like it might split his skull in half.

“What?”

“We just arrived at the station, we’ll be there soon.”

“What?” He repeated.

“We’re at the station, we just got off the train!”

“Who’s we?”

“Me and Vanessa!”

Hermann groaned again. “Yep. Now I remember.” His sister Karla and her girlfriend were coming up from Munich for a few days, apparently for a holiday. He suspected ulterior motives at play.

“You forgot.” Karla sighed. 

He got up from his desk where he’d apparently slept through the night, yawning. “Only a little bit, when’s your hotel check-in?”

“In an hour, you have until then.” Vanessa’s voice butted in.

“Am I on speaker!?” He exclaimed, leaning heavily on his desk and grabbing his cane from the floor.

“Hi Herms, you sound like hell.” He could hear her smiling through the phone.

“I just woke up.”

“It’s noon.”

“I’m a university student, that’s like 8 AM in my book.”

Vanessa laughed. “See you in a bit.”

They hung up abruptly and Hermann tossed his phone onto his bed. A sliver of sunlight peeked through his closed shutters, taunting him for waking up so late.

“Idiot.” He muttered, sitting down on the edge of his unmade bed and tugging off his crumpled shirt and trousers. He sat there in the dark for a moment, rubbing sleep from his eyes and trying to recall his dream. Or was it a nightmare?

Trying to ignore himself in the mirror, Hermann pulled on a fresh pair of trousers, crisp white shirt and a brown patterned v-neck jumper that Karla had bought him a few years ago for his birthday. Maybe she would appreciate the gesture. He glanced at the piles of books and papers on his desk, then to the chalkboard he had put up above it all. He frowned, moving over to it and rubbing off half of an equation before writing it up a little differently. “And there it is.” He laughed, shaking his head. “You just needed rest.” 

\--

Karla and Vanessa were fifteen minutes late. Hermann stood outside the hotel, stamping his feet to stave off the cold that shouldn’t have been so biting for mid-Autumn. The hotel was a few streets away from his apartment building, and seemed almost brand new, all huge glass windows and grey concrete. 

When his sister finally turned up, he had been considering going to get a book from his apartment to read while he waited. 

“You’re late.” He mumbled.

“It’s good to see you too!” She laughed, pulling him into a hug which he reluctantly accepted. “You’ve gotten taller!” Karla was the tall one really, especially in the smart black heels she was wearing. She had cut her hair since Hermann had seen her last, it was now a stylish bob that stopped just below her ears. She looked French.

“No I haven’t.” He frowned. “And I’m not a child anymore, you don’t need to remark on how tall I am.” 

Vanessa laughed awkwardly. “I’ll go check us in while you two catch up.” She took Karla’s suitcase along with hers and walked into the revolving doors at the front of the hotel.

“Why did you come?” Hermann asked.

“What? We’re having a holiday!” His sister laughed.

“Have you ever gone on holiday to somewhere other than Berlin?”

“Well, yeah, sometimes-”

“I’m doing fine, Karla.” He muttered.

Karla sighed, closing her eyes. “Hermann, we’re not here to babysit you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Hermann….”

“I’m better now! You don’t need to keep coming up to see me! I got a lot better as soon as I fucking moved across the country!” He hissed, glaring at her.

Karla flinched a little, and he instantly felt guilty.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She whispered. “I just miss you and it’s so hard not to worry sometimes, y'know? I don’t know any of your friends here and sometimes I don’t hear from you for weeks at a time.”

Hermann stopped himself from telling her why she didn’t know any of his friends. “I’m busy. Engineering and applied sciences isn’t exactly an easy degree.” In honesty, he was breezing through his classes. It all came so naturally to him and he knew half of the course already, often he had weeks where he didn’t have to work for school at all. 

“I understand, but would it kill you to call a little more often?”

He swallowed and closed his eyes. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll try and talk to you more often so you don’t have to spend a fortune on train tickets.”

Karla laughed, and he felt a small pressure release from his chest. He hadn’t upset her too badly. 

“I love you Hermann.” She smiled, pulling him into another hug. “I’m glad you’re okay.” 

\--

“So, where do all the cute girls in Berlin hang out?”

Hermann nearly spat out his coffee in surprise, head snapping up to stare at Karla. “What?!”

“Where do all the cute girls in Berlin hang out?” Vanessa reiterated for her girlfriend, the two of them looking at him far too innocently.

“Why do you two need to know?? I didn’t think you guys were...looking.” He frowned.

“Oh, no, no, no.” Karla laughed. “No, we just need to make sure you know where they are so you don’t spend your entire miserable little university life single.”

“I- You- What-” Hermann stammered, turning bright red. “My life isn’t miserable.”

“Certainly not, but it will be if you don’t at least have a fleeting romance by the time you graduate.” Vanessa explained. 

“I don’t get out much, and there’s certainly no cute girls in the Technical University of Berlin science department.” He mumbled, glancing around the room to avoid eye contact with them.

The coffee shop they were sitting in was a few streets away from his apartment. He liked to think he was a regular, but he barely knew the barista’s names and only came about once a week when his apartment got too stuffy to work in. It was Saturday afternoon, meaning it was a lot more crowded than Hermann was used to. Students milled about, chatting and laughing, catching up after a long work week. The term was ending soon and a lot of the foreign students would be leaving to go home. German students too would be going back home to family for the holidays. He thought about what it would be like to go back home, spend the holidays in his hometown with his father and whichever siblings would be bothered to make the trip. He shivered and shook his head to dispel the thought. 

“-and I went to university too, y’know. The hookup culture is _terrible_ but you have to experience it a _little bit._ ” 

“What?” 

Karla groaned. “Hermann, you never listen. I’m saying that you need to get out more, experience some Berlin nightlife! You’re living in the capital of Germany and you haven’t even had a cool hipster one-night-stand.”

“You don’t know that! I could have had plenty of one-night-stands for all you know.” Hermann whispered, wary of speaking too loudly in such a crowded area.

“You’re right, you’re right. How many have you had, dear brother?” She whispered in an obvious mockery of his caution.

He flushed and sank down in his seat. “Hookup culture is very bad for your mental health. And your physical wellbeing. Everyone who is willing to have a one-night-stand is probably riddled with STDs.” He muttered. It was true, he really didn’t want to have a one-night-stand with anyone. But it was also true that he hadn’t been out of his apartment past 10 PM for nearly 2 months, and the last time he had been out was because his bus had been late. 

“Karla’s just teasing, you don’t need to do anything like that. But you do need to get out a little bit. Go on a date, hang out with some friends, see some sights.” Vanessa smiled, gesturing out of the window to indicate the world waiting for him.

Hermann sighed. “Fine. Let me finish this term and I’ll spend winter holidays...out and about. Okay?”

To his dismay, Karla and Vanessa actually _high-fived._

“You’re not going to regret this, Herms.” His sister grinned. “Berlin winter is famously exciting."

"No it's not."

"It should be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually hate how I wrote this chapter because I'm terrible at introductory chapters but I suppose I have to write 20 terrible introductory chapters before I write 1 passable one.


	3. Chapter 3

Karla and Vanessa left on Halloween. Hermann saw them off at the station, even though they insisted he didn't have to. 

"I promise I'll be alright." He'd laughed. "It's just a train station, I've handled worse. I'll take my ear defenders just in case."

They'd reluctantly agreed, and although it was a little loud and overwhelming, he hadn't needed to use his ear defenders in the end. 

"We're not coming up for New Year's unless it'll be a double date with some cutie you've picked up on your adventures." Vanessa grinned, kissing his cheeks. Hermann rolled his eyes at her all through a hug with Karla.

"Seriously, you don't need to conjure up a girlfriend, you don't need to date anyone. Just get one friend who we can meet in a few months. A good friend." His sister smiled, patting his shoulder. "And don't forget to call."

Soon enough their train was ready to depart and they hauled their suitcases on, said their final goodbyes and left Hermann alone on the platform. 

\--

Autumn term ended like a bad book. Abruptly. 

Despite his little interaction with the other students in his apartment building, he felt the place empty out in a matter of days. He didn't mind, it far lowered his chances of meeting people in the elevator or while taking his rubbish out. If he knew how many people were left in the building he would have actually calculated his odds. 

Karla had called on the day term finished to enthusiastically remind him of his promise to get out more over the holidays, and to tell him if he didn’t call her, she’d be calling him. He'd managed to call her a few times since her visit, more than he used to. He was proud of that. Maybe too proud. 

He’d called his physical therapist too that same day, who advised him to keep warm and not to be out in the cold too much. His leg got worse in winter because of the cold, but it wasn’t so bad these days. He was told if he was worried he could come in for a check-up, but Hermann politely declined. He hated hospitals.

\--

On the second day of the holidays he amassed the courage to go to a museum. When Karla had demanded he experience culture, he was sure she probably meant the art museums she spent so much time in, but that wasn’t exactly to his tastes. 

The German Museum of Technology was buzzing with life, even for such an early time of day. He had somewhat hoped to avoid the crowds, but even an 8 AM arrival couldn’t save him from the presence of others. 

As he made his way towards a large board with a map of the museum, two children ran past him, holding toy airplanes. Despite his determination to be annoyed, he couldn’t help but smile a little, thinking back to his own model planes as a child. They dashed away in the direction of the airplane hangar, turning a corner and disappearing from sight. Hermann returned to reality and continued inspecting the map. His smile widened as he noticed a label for a computers exhibit. 

He probably already knew almost the entire history of computers in Germany already, he thought as he waited patiently for the elevator, but there was something so wonderful about museums that always made him feel like he was learning something new again for the first time. 

The elevator arrived and he stepped in, followed by a couple who rushed in just as the elevator doors were closing (Hermann actually had to stick his cane out so the doors wouldn’t close and they could get in).

“Thank you!” Laughed the woman, smiling at Hermann. She was around the same age as him, with prominent blue highlights in her dark hair that Hermann was a little jealous of. Her German was excellent, though slightly accented. Not her first language. She turned to who he assumed must be her boyfriend, a blonde man in dusty jeans and a t-shirt that was surely too little to be wearing for the time of year, and said something in what he thought must be Japanese, pointing at an area on the map leaflet he was holding. 

“Oh, right, right yeah.” He laughed. “I was wondering what that said.” He was American, Hermann had no clue where in America but definitely American. 

“It’s alright, I don’t think “printing press” is exactly required German vocabulary for you yet.” She spoke in English this time, patting his shoulder. They leaned into each other happily, quietly, until the elevator stopped and Hermann got off. 

\--

He left the museum at 3 PM, more content than he had been in a while. The U-Bahn station was nearly empty, almost desolate, but it didn’t manage to affect his mood. Salt had been tossed haphazardly on the ground but it seemed to be no match for the frost creeping in with the long night. The bench he sat on was a little damp, but his leg needed rest and he was certainly willing to sacrifice a dry coat for that luxury. 

The U-Bahn was almost late but not quite, and to Hermann’s relief, was also nearly empty. 3 PM was a little early for commuters and a little late for tourists to be visiting attractions. Hermann had perfected timings like this during his two university terms in Berlin so far in order to minimise human contact, and he was relieved to see it worked during the holidays too.

He didn’t pay any notice, didn’t even realise that anyone else was in the carriage, until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He pulled off his ear defenders (train carriages could get quite noisy simply due to the movement, and he always thought it was better safe than sorry to wear them when he could) and put down his sudoku book, looking up in slight annoyance, which turned immediately to surprise.

The girl from the elevator earlier was smiling at him. He looked down the carriage and saw her boyfriend sitting further along, who gave him a small wave.

“Can I help you?” Hermann asked as politely as he could. He hadn’t been prepared for an interaction and was scrambling to get his thoughts in order and remember decent social cues.

“Hi! I’m Mako.” The girl stuck out her hand, the other gripping the railing above them as the train jostled and moved. Hermann glanced from her extended hand, to her, to her boyfriend, then back to her. 

“Mako, can I help you?” He asked again, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

“Yes you can! I’d like to know your name.” She was still smiling, and it didn’t make Hermann as uneasy as when other people smiled at him too long, but it was a little strange. He smiled back.

“Why do you want to know my name?” His anxiety seemed to have pulled itself together into a coherent thought, which was screaming at him not to give his name out to strangers on the U-Bahn. 

“Um…” Mako looked back to her boyfriend, frowning. The boyfriend raised his eyebrow. 

“I don’t know what he just said.” He told her, folding his arms. Definitely not good with German. Mako said something in Japanese and the man chewed his lip for a second. “Uh huh.” He stood and walked over to them, sitting across from Hermann, who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“You live in the building.” The blonde said in slightly slow and clunky German. 

“What? Speak English, your German isn’t good enough for complex conversation with strangers yet.” He said in English. The man flushed and looked down. 

Mako held in a laugh and shook her head. “Sorry about him, he’s still learning. He means that you live in the same apartment building as us.”

Hermann tilted his head quizzically at them both. “I haven’t seen you.” That was true, but he’d barely seen anyone in the apartment building during his time there. Karla would have labelled him a recluse if she knew. No, scratch that, she definitely would start calling him Hermann the Hermit and hassle him endlessly about it until he made friends. He cursed mentally. Making friends. He was meant to make friends, two people who apparently lived in his building were trying to talk to him, and he was being weird and rude and awful. 

“Didn’t think so.” The man laughed. “You always look super, like, focused and intense.” 

“When do I look like that?” Hermann huffed. 

“Taking the trash out.” He smirked. “I’m Raleigh by the way.”

“Raleigh. Where in America are you from?” He changed the subject fast to gloss over the embarrassment of being seen taking his bins out, and apparently looking “intense” while doing so.

“Anchorage!” Raleigh grinned, obviously proud of his hometown. 

“I don’t know where that is.” Hermann replied flatly. Americans, so self-centred they didn’t stop and think that maybe other people don’t know every city and town in their ridiculously large country.

“Oh, it’s in Alaska.” Maybe that’s why he seemed so accustomed to the cold. Hermann nodded in acknowledgement, before turning to Mako.

“Now, I don’t want to presume, but I’m guessing you’re from Japan?”

Mako laughed. “Mhm! Kagoshima prefecture. But I lived in Hong Kong for a lot of my teenage years.”

“I’ve always wanted to visit Japan.” Hermann admitted. 

“What about you?” Raleigh asked. “Native German?” 

He nodded. “I moved up here from near Munich this year for university.”

“Which uni?” Mako asked, sitting down next to him now. 

He shifted away from her slightly. "TU. You?"

“I’m at HU for physics and Raleigh’s taking a gap year right now.” She explained.

“It’s not really a gap year.” He sighed. “Uni doesn’t really seem like it’s ever going to happen for me, and honestly I don’t really want it to.”

Hermann nodded in what he hoped was real-looking sympathy. 

“What do you study?” Mako asked, relieving some of the awkwardness in the carriage. Hermann understood that some people didn’t go to uni for all sorts of reasons but seeing people just exist aimlessly on gap years and the like stressed him out.

“Engineering and applied sciences"

“Oh that must be interesting! Some of my friends take engineering, they love it. Heard it’s really hard though.” She grimaced, probably imagining the difficulties for herself. 

“It’s not too bad. It’s just maths really.” He’d wanted to study pure maths but…things had stopped him. 

“Math is hard though.” Raleigh pointed out, his dropping of the “s” on maths making Hermann cringe a little.

“I suppose it depends who you are.” He shrugged. Raleigh almost looked like he might take offense or say something, but just then the train stopped. 

“This is me.” Hermann mumbled, relief washing over him.

“It’s us too remember!” Mako laughed, standing and going back to where they were originally seated to grab their bags. 

“Right. Well it’s been lovely to meet you both, really. Maybe I’ll see you at the apartments sometime.”

“You should come over! Have a drink!” Raleigh suggested, patting Hermann on the back and shouldering his bag. 

“Tonight?” 

“Sure!” Mako butted in. “What’s the harm?”

Hermann rubbed the top of his cane anxiously. “I….I can’t tonight I’m sorry. There’s a few school things I have to finish up...” He could hear Karla shouting at him in his head that this was a brilliant chance to make friends. He shouted back at her that this unexpected interaction was quite enough for the day and he wasn’t prepared for this, let alone a whole evening with two new people. He wanted to put his ear defenders back on, as if that would stop the argument in his head. 

“Ah, I get it.” She grimaced sympathetically. “Another time?”

“Another time.” He nodded. He was halfway home when he realised he’d never actually told them his name.

\--

When he got home he spent 4 hours doing basic differential equations so he didn’t collapse from mental exhaustion right there and then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please kudos I spent far too long researching berlin universities /j   
> also sorry for the america slander it's in-character and you can't tell me otherwise


	4. Chapter 4

“Yeah they’re a couple I think.”

It was 11 AM the next day, and Hermann was in the freezer aisle of the supermarket, squinting at the vegetarian options. 

Karla was doing her very best attempt at chatting his literal ear off down the phone. 

“What did you say they’re names were again?” She asked excitedly as he finally made a decision and opened the sliding door to grab a box of cheap own-brand Meat Free All Natural sausages. 

“Mako and Raleigh.”

“Rally? Like a pep rally?”

“No, but I get the feeling those were all in his honour or however it works in America. R-A-L-E-I-G-H.” 

“Weird name.”

“He’s from Alaska.”

“I see.”

“Yep.”

“The girl- Mako? She sounds nice.”

“I guess.” He sighed, strolling down the next aisle. He didn’t really like talking on the phone in public, but he could focus on the conversation better if he had something else, like shopping, to do. Plus it made him feel a little more interesting than everyone else in the shop. 

“Oh come on Hermann, she just randomly started a conversation with you and was perfectly pleasant despite what I bet was utter rudeness on your part.” She huffed.

“I wasn’t being rude, I was tired and I didn’t prepare to talk to people that day. Besides, I said we could hang out another time.” 

She let out a dramatic sigh down the line. “I guess that’s a good thing.” The fluorescent lights above him were making a strange buzzing noise, and he pressed the heel of his hand against his eye as if that would make the noise stop.

“Yeah.” He muttered. “Proud of me?”

“Always, Herms.” 

\--

He unpacked half of his groceries into his fridge and left the rest for later in the day, when he could be bothered. 

His chalkboard was calling him, and he tugged off his parka, walking through to his bedroom and surveying the blank board. He’d completed the problem he’d been working on last night and now it was vacant. It always looked unnatural in that state, Hermann thought, swiping up a small piece of chalk and flipping through his battered textbook. His brother had gotten him it when he was 17, and it was filled with complex maths and physics questions. He was yet to finish it, and his family always joked his life would lose meaning if he ever did finish it. At least it seemed like a joke.

He rolled his sleeves up and noted down the equation at the top of the board, tilting his head for a moment before starting the first line of working. 

\--

3 hours later, he nearly jumped out of his skin when a knock came at his door. 

“Fuck off, I’m working.” He muttered and set his chalk down, trying to wipe the chalk dust off his trousers but only succeeding in getting more dust on himself. Rolling his eyes in exasperation, he made his way over to the door, not even trying to guess who it could be. It was either some official person or Mako and Raleigh. He sincerely hoped it was the former.

He tugged open the door. “I still have things to d- Can I help you?”

An unfamiliar man was standing outside, and looked up in excitement when he opened the door.

“Hi!” He grinned. What was it with people lately and not telling him what they wanted? 

“....Hello.”

“Hello.” The man repeated. Hermann damn near shut the door. 

“What do you want?” He looked him over, squinting at his ripped black jeans (in Winter? Really?) and slightly grubby white shirt. He wrinkled his nose.

“What?”

“Why are you here.”

“Oh! I live here now.” He said matter-of-factly, as if that was any explanation.

“Here?” He narrowed his eyes.

“Down the hall?” The shorter man offered, pointing down the hall as if to enunciate his point. 

“Why?”

“Just felt like it.” He shrugged, then laughed as if he’d just made the funniest joke on the planet. “Nah, I’m doing a year over here, exchange from MIT or whatever.” He dragged his fingers through his hair, leaving it sticking up in all directions.

MIT? There was no way this buffoon went to MIT. 

“....Right.”

“Do you attend university?” 

Hermann raised an eyebrow. Did he look like he did anything but attend university? “....Yes.”

“Sweet! Well I’m having a sort of house-warming party, apartment-warming I should say.” He laughed again. “Starts 7PM tonight, bring drinks if you want but I’ll have some and so will the others.”

Who the hell throws a house-warming party for university accommodation? He scowled and fiddled with the button of his shirt sleeve.

“The others?”

“I invited everyone in the building!”

Hermann scowled deeper. There can’t have been more than 5 people in the building at this point, not including this….intrusion of a man.

“Got it.” He nodded, closing the door. Then he opened it again. “Which door is yours?” He almost certainly wouldn’t go. It was just in case. Mostly in case he needed to file a complaint in the weeks to come. 

“The one with the biohazard tape on it!”

“....Is your room a biohazard?”

“Not yet.” 

Hermann shut the door on him again as he was halfway through a wink. He realised again that he hadn’t given the man his name. 

In fairness, the man hadn’t given him his name either.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for suicidal thoughts and smoking!

Hermann swore and slammed his chalk down, leaning back against his desk and sighing. His train of thought had been decimated by the previous encounter, and no amount of cursing at thin air and threatening pieces of chalk would get it back. 

He checked his watch and frowned. 5 PM.

He wandered into the kitchen, surveying the unpacked groceries he’d left behind earlier. He sighed and began to unpack the rest, humming to keep himself from just stopping and doing something more fun or interesting. 

He examined a ramen packet and set it on the counter. 

“Nutritious.” He muttered, shaking his head at himself. He didn’t have the energy to cook a full meal tonight. He never had the energy. 

\--

6 PM rolled around and he was feeling worse and worse. He opened his window and leaned out, scowling at the frosty pavement a few floors below. Just a little further out and he wouldn’t have to worry about anything ever again..

He blinked and exhaled sharply. No. Jesus no. He lit a cigarette with shaky hands and inhaled slowly and deliberately. 

“Fuck that.” He mumbled as he breathed out. “Fuck. That.” He glanced down at the ashtray on his windowsill. He should probably clear it out, but he wasn’t quite sure where cigarette butts went in terms of recycling. He took another long drag and let the smoke seep out of his mouth slowly. He closed his eyes, imagining that just for a moment, all his memories and feelings and problems were filtering out with the smoke, swirling out into the cold Berlin afternoon. He coughed a few times and opened his eyes, stubbing his cigarette out. 

“Why do I always intend on absolute loneliness?” He asked the last disappearing trails of smoke. There was no reply. He examined his ashtray again, the piled up cigarettes a marker of his problems. “You’re going to be the death of me.” He told them.

“Don’t feel bad though, it’s whatever.”

\-- 

He finished his dinner at 6:54 exactly. He swore when he checked the time. A little longer and he could’ve told himself he couldn’t go to the party because he would be late. He would be bang on time if he went now. 

He got out of his desk chair and wandered to the mirror, glaring at himself. “We can leave in half an hour if we really hate it.” He said, something Karla used to say to him when they were made to go to events that Hermann struggled to enjoy. He smiled a little, remembering the many times they’d snuck out of a backdoor and stood around outside rooms and venues, reading books and chatting, Karla letting him explain the finer details of whatever topic of mathematics or engineering he was currently knee deep in. 

He ran a hand through his hair, frowning at his squint fringe for a moment before turning and leaving his apartment before he could change his mind. 

\--

The short man opened the door seconds after Hermann knocked, grinning at him. “You came!”

Hermann looked down. “Nothing better to do.” He grumbled. 

“That’s not what you told us!” A familiar voice called from further within the apartment, and Hermann frowned. 

“Mako?” 

She appeared at the door beside the man as if summoned. “You know, I never actually got your name.” 

“Me neither!” 

Hermann glared at the man. “Well I never got yours, so it’s only fair.”

“Oh! I’m Newton.”

“Newton?”

“After Sir Isaac. My friends call me Newt though.”

“Why aren’t you called Isaac?”

Newton paused. Hermann allowed himself a small smirk of satisfaction. “May I come in?”

“Uh, sure. Yeah.” Newton stammered, moving out of the way so he could enter. 

He let the state of the place slide as he observed the apartment. This guy must have moved in today or yesterday, and there were still boxes everywhere, some open, some still closed. A small stack of textbooks sat on the desk, and Hermann tilted his head to read the spines. A biology student. Of course. 

He noticed after a moment that the apartment was also occupied. Mako walked behind him to sit next to Raleigh, who somehow managed to make himself look far too masculine while perched a little awkwardly on an upside-down cardboard box. There were also two other men Hermann didn’t recognise. One had dark hair slicked back in a way Hermann presumed was stylish, and he felt a little better seeing he was dressed about as formally as him, in a button down shirt and braces. The other seemed more on the Raleigh spectrum of things, the type of guy that looked like he might call Hermann a slur if given the chance. His brown-blonde hair was cut short and he wore a heavy jacket over at least three other layers of flannels and t-shirts. 

“Well I’m sure you all know each other!” Newton declared, sitting down cross-legged on the floor and looking around. Hermann realised self-consciously that he was the only one still standing. 

“Actually…” Raleigh started, “I don’t think this guy knows any of us really. And we don’t know him.” He gestured to Hermann. 

“Do you all live here?” Hermann asked, rubbing the top of his cane anxiously.

“Sure do.” The jock-looking-one-who-wasn’t-Raleigh said. 

“Don’t you?” The other one who he didn’t have the name of yet asked.

“I-I do.” He declared defensively. “I’m Hermann. Gottlieb. I live just down the hall actually.”

“Finally!” Mako laughed. “It’s nice to properly meet you, Hermann.”

The others mumbled similar greetings towards him, and he nodded stiffly. This was already awful.

“Well you already know me and Mako.” Raleigh said. “But I doubt you know these guys. This here is Chuck Hansen-” Chuck, the mean looking one who could probably break Hermann’s spine, waved. “-and this is Tendo Choi.” Tendo smiled in a more friendly manner and held his hand out for Hermann to shake.

“Pleasure.” Tendo declared as they shook hands. “Do you want this chair?” He was sitting in one of the only proper chairs in the apartment, and was looking anxiously at Hermann’s cane.

“Oh- um,” He wanted to politely refuse, but he was a little anxious about the stability of cardboard boxes. “If it’s not too much trouble?” 

“Course not!” He stood up and gestured for Hermann to sit. 

“Well then!” Newton clapped his hands, shaking Hermann from the few blissful moments when he had completely forgotten this man was even there. “I guess you all know each other now!"

\--

It wasn’t really a party. A party was louder, with more people, more lights, more everything. Hermann was strangely glad that it was not a party.

He sat comfortably in his chair, nursing a beer and surveying the group. They all seemed so comfortable with each other, even Newton, who was engaged in excited conversation with Tendo about, from what Hermann could overhear, some new coding language that was either really amazing or utterly terrible, he couldn’t quite tell. Raleigh and Chuck had gone downstairs to the foyer to intercept an order of pizza that had been made soon after introductions. Mako, strangely, had procured a chess board from somewhere and was meticulously setting up the pieces. She looked up and caught his eye.

“Do you play?” She asked.

“Yes, but not for a long time, I’m afraid I’m a little rusty.”

“Care for a game?” 

Hermann nodded, moving to sit down on the floor across from the young woman, wincing slightly as he lowered himself to the ground. 

“Shall we toss a coin for who plays white?” 

He shook his head. “You can play white, I always get anxious when I have to make the first move.” 

Mako laughed and nodded, surveying her pieces. She moved a pawn forward two spaces, sitting back contentedly.

Hermann tilted his head then moved his knight, jumping the line of pawns laid out before him. 

They played for a while. Mako liked to make surprised or disapproving noises whenever Hermann made moves, probably to throw him off. She succeeded. Newton and Tendo eventually finished their conversation to watch them play, and Hermann only minded a little bit.

Mako won of course, baiting him into thinking he could get out of check while really drawing him right into checkmate. She was quite brilliant, and he realised he was smiling as he knocked his king over.

“Good game.” 

They shook hands as Chuck and Raleigh opened the door, laden with pizza. 

“Fuck yeah!” Newton jumped up, relieving the boys of the boxes and setting them out on the kitchen counter. 

“Alright, we’ve got pepperoni, pineapple, margarita…”

\--

Raleigh was talking at him (not to him, at him) about the importance of spark plugs when Hermann’s phone rang.

“Shit, I am so sorry.” He wasn’t sorry. “I have to take this.”

He stood and hurried out of the apartment, gingerly stepping over a chess game between Mako and Chuck.

“Karla? What’s wrong?” He leaned against the wall outside, absent-mindedly examining the biohazard tape on Newton’s door. 

“Nothing?” Karla’s confused voice replied.

“Oh...why are you calling?”

“I always call you at 9-ish…” 

“Is it 9 already?” He chuckled. “Jeez.”

“Herms…..you better not still be working, it’s the holidays. I know it’s easy to lose track of time when you’re studying but-”

“No, no, no! No I’m not working. I’m, um, I’m hanging out with people.” 

“You’re lying.” She really sounded like she didn’t believe him. He couldn’t blame her, it wasn’t exactly the most believable thing for him to be doing.

“I’m not! There’s….it’s not a party but- A new guy moved into our building and we’re all hanging out in his apartment. He invited me.”

“Really? Hermann that’s...that’s fantastic!” 

“Christ, don’t sound so excited, there’s like 6 of us total.” He mumbled, turning red.

Mako poked her head out of the door and arched her eyebrow. “Is everything okay?” She whispered, pointing at his phone.

“Yes, Mako, it’s okay, my sister usually calls me around this time and I forgot.” He explained, giving her a small smile.

She nodded and closed the door.

“Who was that?” He could hear Karla grinning over the phone. “Was that a girl?”

“Yes, incredibly, women also live in this building.” 

His sister was giggling. Giggling.

“Hermann are you and her….”

“We’re becoming good friends. She’s very good at chess.”

“Oh my god! Hermann Gottlieb!” 

“What?”

“Say no more.”

“No, Karla, wait-” 

She hung up on him. He swore and shoved his phone in his pocket. An explanation for another day.

\--

People started filtering out at around half past ten, first Chuck muttering something about work in the morning, then Raleigh and Mako, giggling a little drunkenly and leaning against each other.

After Mako left, he realised there wasn’t much point in staying. Newton and Tendo were in another heated conversation, seemingly forgetting he was even there. Typical. 

“I, uh, should be going as well.” 

“Oh! Right! See ya.” Newton nodded, glancing in his direction.

“Um, thankyou for having me.” He mumbled.

“No problem! Anytime.”


	6. Chapter 6

He didn’t want to call Karla again. He didn’t care if it was normal for him to not understand how social stuff works, or how Karla completely understood that he didn’t understand. He wasn’t calling her to ask how people normally say goodbye to friends after hanging out. 

He rolled over in bed and glared at the wall. Newton wasn’t his friend, he reminded himself. He was insufferable. He gave unhelpful suggestions during chess games and made references he didn’t understand. He didn’t even have the decency to stop sitting with and looking at Tendo to say goodbye to him properly. 

Mako had said goodbye to him properly. Raleigh too. She’d asked if she could hug him and he’d said no, but she didn’t seem to mind, not like a lot of people who got upset when he didn’t want a hug. She’d smiled that beaming smile of hers and nodded and told him goodbye like he was an old friend, but one she knew she would see again soon. 

Raleigh had given him a firm handshake, which had filled him with a strange sense of euphoria. He was so different from men like Raleigh, men who were well-liked in high school and masculine and funny. Men who were born well-liked and masculine and funny. Who were born in the right body to be all those things. To be welcomed into that group, to have his hand shaken like he was just a new “guy friend” who Raleigh could watch sports with or whatever it was Raleigh did….Hermann would probably ride that high for weeks.

His stomach curled in shame. He’d once read a blog post that told him he didn’t need cisgender approval. He wasn’t sure if this counted as cisgender approval, but he could hear Vanessa saying something about toxic masculinity in his head. 

He didn’t fall asleep for a long time, but when he did he dreamt of holding hands with a tall, strong, blonde boy who probably couldn’t even solve an integral.

\--

Hermann didn't really use Facebook. Sure he had it, but it was only because his brother's had told him that he really ought to have Facebook if he wanted to be "up-to-date in an ever advancing technological era". 

People in his classes talked about Facebook all the time, how it was the frontier of the internet and all that. It seemed every maths and sciences student on the planet loved it. Except him. 

So the smile that crept across his face when he saw a small notification on his laptop telling him he had five new friend requests and had been added to a groupchat took him rather by surprise. Of course, the friend requests were from Mako, Raleigh, Chuck, Newton and Tendo and he had seemingly been added to a groupchat entitled "Berlin Boyz'' containing his new Facebook friends. He didn’t think “Berlin Boyz” was a very accurate description of the group, seeing as none of them were from Berlin and Mako wasn’t even a boy. 

He read back through the messages that had been sent the night before as he made a pot of coffee. There wasn't much substance to them, mostly just everyone saying exactly which room they were in and a few phone numbers and emails being sent around, but there was something comforting about the texts. 

Mako and Newton both added little faces with their texts, a ":D" or ":3" punctuating an otherwise mundane message. Tendo spoke almost entirely in abbreviations, as if writing a four letter word or more might genuinely kill him. Raleigh and Chuck didn't speak as much, sending one word texts to agree with someone else or say "haha" in a way that made Hermann picture them laughing loudly at their phones.

He tried to glare at the messages and feel annoyed at the lack of conversation etiquette, but he couldn't help but be a little endeared. The warmth in his chest didn't last long however, as he realised in horror that he would probably have to actually say something to these people or risk being seen as rude or unfriendly. 

He sat down properly in front of his laptop and took a long drink of coffee. 

"Good morning everyone! Apologies for not replying last night, I don't tend to check my laptop at night, apparently the blue light is bad for your eyes."

Did that sound rude? Maybe it implied that he thought everyone else was being irresponsible. 

"Good morning everyone! Apologies for not replying last night, I don't tend to check my laptop at night. It was wonderful to meet all of you last night, you were all very kind to me. Here is my phone number and email address since they are being shared. Thanks, H."

He nodded firmly, chewing his nail a little. Should he send the message to Karla for approval before sending it? It might be the safest option to ensure he didn't come off as rude, or weird, or angry, or the million other things he apparently came off as without meaning to. 

No. Hermann took another sip of coffee and press send before he could consider it further. He moved all the way across the country to be independent, he couldn't keep relying on his sister for these sorts of things. 

"You needn't worry about all this, Hermann. If the friends you try to make are good, they won't mind if you get things wrong sometimes." He remembered his mother, tall and beautiful, crouching down to meet his eye. He'd come home crying when he was 6, convinced he would never have any friends because he didn't understand how to make them. He had tried at school that day, but the boy he'd talked to had walked away after a while, saying that Hermann “talked too much about things nobody wants to hear about.” In the kitchen after school, his mother had said that to him, caressing his cheek with her hand and smiling. "And they'll want to hear about the things you talk about. I certainly want to hear them." She continued.

She had made him ginger tea and convinced him to tell her about fractals until the sky got dark and his father came home and made him go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of hate this chapter in some regards because I couldn't really express some stuff in the way I wanted to :/


	7. Chapter 7

Hermann didn't do much for the rest of the day, his social battery had been completely drained the night before and all he could really do was do maths and stare out of the window. Karla would hopefully know not to call him the day after he'd gone to an event like this. 

There were a few messages from the Facebook groupchat throughout the day, some following Hermann's lead and thanking Newton for having them over. Mako and Chuck talked Newton through the U-Bahn system in Berlin when he asked. Hermann rolled his eyes as he watched this conversation unfold. Did Americans not have tram systems or trains or even a subway? He wholeheartedly considered that Newt was even stupider than Hermann thought. 

\--

Much later on, as evening crept into night, he finished a rather difficult and convoluted physics question. He stood back and exhaled a small laugh, rubbing his eyes to readjust them from staring at his chalkboard up close. Usually, he would have a cigarette out his window to celebrate his efforts, but as he felt for the box in his trouser pocket, Hermann had a rather awful idea. 

\-- 

He hated the elevator in the building. It was old, too old, and made strange noises far too often for Hermann's liking. It was the main reason he smoked in his room instead of going downstairs and outside, where he was less likely to set off the smoke alarm. He gripped his cane as the horrible little box clanged and clattered it's way down to ground level. He felt like he was in a horror movie, the first person to die as a setup for the nature of the evil that made the film so horrifying. He would be attacked or mauled or captured in this elevator and then the title would show and everyone would forget about him. 

Hermann's thinking when he decided against smoking in his room was that maybe he would bump into one of his prospective friends and they could have a conversation in the elevator or in the corridors or outside by the bins. When he stepped out to find it had begun to snow, he was beginning to think it really all wasn't worth it for a bit of conversation that he would probably fuck up anyway. 

But, he would be damned if he couldn't have his smoke, so he tugged his parka around him and tried to stay as sheltered as possible without actually being in the building, fumbling with his lighter as the cold began to numb his fingers. 

"Lovely night, isn't it?"

Fucking hell.

Hermann did want to see someone, but not Newton. Anyone else he could deal with, he had been really hoping for Mako, or maybe Raleigh, and he wouldn't mind getting to know Chuck or Tendo more. But he couldn't deal with Newton. 

"I suppose." He grumbled, taking a long drag of his cigarette and not even looking to see the infuriating little man he knew was standing a few feet away. 

"Those things will kill you, y'know." Oh here we go, of course, he knew Newton would be like this, one of those people determined to stop everyone smoking and get them on some plant-based vegan vape instead. Only Hermann got to decide what would or would not kill him. He made that rule when he was 11.

"Look-" He did turn now, fuelled by annoyance and indignance, only to falter when he saw Newton in the middle of lighting a cigarette with a match. 

"Don't you own a lighter?" He frowned, still determined to be angry about  _ something _ . 

"Nah, I left it back home by accident. Besides, in Hellboy they say you have to light cigars with matches, makes them taste better." He grinned.

"That's not a cigar." 

"I thought I might see if the rule applied anyway." Newton shrugged. He wasn't facing Hermann, but he side-eyed him, hands dug into an obnoxious leather jacket. 

Hermann arched an eyebrow. "You must be freezing."

"Oh sure. But don't I look cool?" 

"Not particularly." He sniffed, taking another drag of his cigarette and tilting his head back to exhale the smoke up into the night.

"I get it, too cool for cool stuff, huh?" Hermann couldn't believe this man was still talking. How did people smoke and talk at the same time? "Should've figured, that parka isn't exactly the pinnacle of fashion."

Hermann rolled his eyes. "At least I'm warm, and I doubt any model scouts for Prada are hanging out by the bins of an apartment building to judge me and refuse me from their agency because of my unfashionable jacket." He held his breath for a moment afterwards, glancing down at his feet. He hadn't said that much in one go to anyone in weeks. Jesus, why  _ him _ ?

Newton barked out a laugh and shook his head. "You're right man, you're right. It's a shame though, even with the jacket, those hypothetical bin-dwelling model scouts would snatch you up like that." He snapped his fingers for effect.

"Don't be stupid." 

"I'm serious! You have the face, what with the high cheekbones and everything! You could totally model and make a  _ killing. _ " 

Hermann laughed. "Real funny, thanks. Goodnight, Mr Gieszler." He threw his half-finished cigarette down and stubbed it out angrily with the toe of his shoe. Before Newton could get another mocking word in he turned and stormed back inside, pulling his jacket around him tighter as if he could hide from the ridicule and shame of simply being perceived. 


	8. Chapter 8

He awoke in his clothes, shivering from the immediate cold that enveloped him. Squinting against the light that poured in from the window where he evidently hadn't bothered to close the shutters the night before, he fumbled for his blanket, tugging it over his body like a shawl. 

"This is what you get for making friends, Gottlieb." He muttered to himself as he shuffled around his apartment, making breakfast in the most angry way he could and glaring at inanimate objects. "Mockery." 

He wanted to leave, pull on his damned “unfashionable parka” and just walk until he was out of Berlin, follow the train tracks across Germany until he waded into the North Sea, never to be seen again. There was something deeply uncomfortable about feeling embarrassed in your own home. 

He didn't dare check Facebook. Maybe they'd kicked him from the group, maybe everyone had blocked him. Perhaps Newton had made a snarky Facebook post about the event. By this time, he was probably the ridicule of several social circles.

"I'm such an idiot." He told Karla over the phone. He'd called her earlier than normal, for fear his own thoughts would build up and blow his head open if he didn't tell someone. 

"You're not an idiot, Hermann." She sighed. "Are you sure he was being mean to you?"

He scoffed. "Of course he was, he was being sarcastic and rude the whole time. I hate him."

Another sigh. "I'm sure you do, Herms, but I promise it's not the end of the world. What's his name again?"

"Newton."

"That is an asshole name." Vanessa's voice came over the line. She sounded like she was eating something.

"Am I on speaker  _ again!? _ " 

"Always, brother, your business is my business which is Nessa's business. We're like your aunts who know what to do all the time who you come to for guidance." Karla's voice again.

"Whatever. You're right, Vanessa, it is an asshole name."

"S' like a lizard or something." Vanessa agreed. 

"Apparently it's meant to be like the scientist, the one who discovered gravity?" He rolled his eyes, annoyed that he was really repeating the backstory behind Gieszler's name. “Y’know, Isaac Newton.” That man deserved much more than to have that leather-clad imbecile towing his name around. 

“Well why isn’t he called Isaac?”   
  
“That’s what I said.”   
  
“What was his answer?”

“Nothing, he was dumbfounded by my logic skills.”   
  
“You don’t need to be a logician to know that Newton is a fucking stupid name on it’s own, let alone when you’re named after someone with a  _ perfectly good regular human being name! _ ”

Hermann was starting to think his dislike for Newton had been passed on through the phone to Vanessa. 

"Okay, Nessa, I think you're being a  _ little  _ unfair..." Karla laughed. "I promise, Herms, it's not a big deal. People were rude to you all the time in high school and nothing ever really came of it!" Hermann made a face but let her speak. "If you really think he's an asshole you just have to try and avoid him so he knows you won't tolerate that shit."

"What if he won't leave me alone?" He bit at the nail on his thumb.

"I think he will, but if he doesn't, you can tell your other friends! That girl sounded nice, I'm sure she'd sort it out for you." 

"I don't know..." 

"Hermann, I swear, if there isn't a way to fix this, I will come down there myself and kick his ass." Something in Karla's voice let him know she definitely was not joking. He drew in a deep breath.

"Okay. Thank you." 

"Anytime." 

"We love you!" Called Vanessa from a little further away. 

He chuckled despite himself. "I love you too." 

\--

There were no new messages on the Facebook groupchat when he worked up the nerve to check. He considered sending a strongly worded private message to Newton, but decided against it in the end, determining that he should not waste his energy on such endeavours, and if Newton was sorry, the edgy so-and-so would have to message him first.

He had his evening smoke from the safety of his window, glaring into the night as if Newton might have the audacity to apparate before him like some ghostly Dickensian vision, ridiculing him further. There was no such occurrence and he threw his finished cigarette through the air and watched it land unceremoniously in the snow. 

"Those things will kill you, y'know." Newton's voice, his stupid American accent, echoed in his mind as he settled into bed, turning and shifting in the sheets until he could lay in a way as to not disturb his leg, but not be too cold in the chilly December night. 

Who was this man to tell him what would or would not kill him? He had the audacity, the freedom, to be laid back and funny, to crack jokes at Hermann without a second thought, as if he was an old friend. Others may allow Newton to act this way, out of pity or because they genuinely enjoyed it. Hermann would not.

He rubbed his leg and sighed. "My body has already tried to kill me once." He muttered to the dusty air. "I'd like to see it try again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the pretty short chapter, it's hard to split up the story in longer chapters without getting ahead of myself and having the fic be rushed :/


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! (not that anyone's really keeping track)   
> cw for mild internalised homophobia in this chapter :]

When Mako hammered on his door the following morning, jolting him awake from a fitful sleep, Hermann thought for a moment it was one of his brother's come to get him up for school. Bastien was never one to be gentle when rousing him.

"Just a minute!" He padded across the floor to the source of the knocking, tucking a plain white t-shirt into plainer black trousers to give some semblance of togetherness.

Mako smiled that smile of hers when he opened the door, looking him up and down for a moment in a way that made Hermann flush as he remembered how awful his hair looked in the mornings.

"It's 8 AM." 

She didn't seem perturbed by the notion. "It is! I thought I'd drop by." 

He squinted at her, her blue highlights seemed a little faded in the morning light, and then at the bag of laundry at her side. "Are you going to the laundromat?"

"Very deductive!" She clapped her hands together.

"You have a bag of laundry." It was far too early for small talk like this, and Hermann shifted uncomfortably, leaning more weight than normal onto his cane. He was too tired to stay standing all by himself. "What do you want Mako? I didn't sleep well."

Mako looked a bit hurt and he felt a pang of guilt at his unintended rudeness. "I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me." 

"To the laundromat?" 

"No, to Croatia for a short holiday. Yes, to the laundromat!" She giggled. Hermann looked behind him back into his apartment, to the bag of sad looking dirty clothes by his wardrobe.

"Yes. Okay. Sure. Let me get dressed properly, I'll meet you downstairs." He tried his best to smile in a way that would express his gratitude. He didn't think he succeeded. 

"Alright." She turned to leave, but Hermann stuck out a hand to stop her. 

"It's just us going right? No one else?" 

She frowned. "No, just us. Why? I could try and drag Raleigh out of bed but he won't like you very much if he knows it's your fault."

"No, no, I'm just...I'll explain on the way. Be right down."

\--

It took the entire walk to the laundromat, including Mako forcing him to let her carry his bag after he nearly slipped on the icy pavement for the second time and the two of them stopping by the Chinese takeaway two streets away to investigate the menu, to explain Hermann's encounter with Newton the night before. 

"Wow." Mako murmured as she loaded up a washing machine. 

"My sister thinks I'm overreacting." Hermann complained, easing himself onto one of the benches in the tiny laundromat. "What do you think? I'm aware the retelling may have been a little...biased."

"I don't think you're  _ overreacting.. _ " She offered. "But-" She let a dramatic pause hang in the air as she pressed buttons on the machine. "-I do think it might have been a misunderstanding." 

Hermann scowled. "A misunderstanding!?" 

"Newt isn't a bad guy-"

"How do you know that? He moved in, what, four days ago? None of us have had much time to get to know him." He replied, crossing his arms.

She sat down next to him, tucking a pin-straight strand of hair behind her ear. "Hermann...I think it's okay for you to get upset, he probably should have been clearer but....don't you think there's a possibility he was just being honest?" 

"What, that I could model? I don't think so Ms. Mori." He chuckled wryly. 

"Well, I wasn't there, but I think you should consider the possibility. You're right though, if he doesn't message you to apologise or explain, he's an asshole anyway." She smirked, and Hermann couldn't help but smile too. 

"Thanks. For listening. You're, uh. You're a good friend." He mumbled, looking down at his boots and fiddling with the zip on his parka. Mako didn't reply, simply reaching out to squeeze his hand for a moment.

\--

The hour flew by as they waited for their laundry to finish. Hermann read some of his book, explained some of his book to Mako, and listened to her talk about her degree for a little while. Eventually they landed on the topic of Raleigh. 

"He's very..."

"I know." She laughed, shaking her head. "You wouldn't think of us as a good match." Hermann considered that to be in the running for Understatement of the Century. 

"I have to ask, what is it about him? He's a great guy I know but.."

"Heavy questions, Mr Gottlieb. I don't think I could go into proper depth on it this early in the morning but-" She shrugged. "I'm sure you've noticed, dating men in sciences is...a challenge."

"Oh, I don't-" Hermann started.

"I know you're a man in science yourself but, y'know... a lot of them are determined to prove their intelligence. And disprove mine." Mako was skirting around the fact that Hermann knew to be true.

"They're sexist idiots." He nodded, still bemused by her previous comment but trying to stay in the conversation. She let out a loud laugh, covering her mouth in surprise at herself and nodding. 

"Yes! But Raleigh...he's just plain impressed with me. With everything I do." 

It was sweet, Hermann thought. Mako did genuinely seem taken with him, smiling as she described him further, talking aimlessly about his hobbies and his aspirations. A sinking feeling began to form in his stomach as he remembered his thoughts and feelings towards Raleigh, the way he'd felt after the party. 

Guilt ripped through him, he could barely hear Mako's innocent chatter now, his head blocking her out in favour of a steady stream of worse-case scenarios and his horribly loud and guilty conscience. He didn't  _ want _ to feel this way about men, especially not  _ Raleigh _ , especially not his friend's  _ boyfriend _ , he tried to explain to himself, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Hermann? Are you alright?" Mako's hand was on his shoulder. "Hermann?"

He looked up at her, swallowing thickly. "Sorry." He managed. He was bouncing his leg, the leather on his boots making a small squeaking noise as he did so. 

"Hey, it's okay, are you alright?"

"I-" He ran a thumb over the head of his cane, taking in a slow, deliberate breath as he felt the familiar ridges and bumps. "Yes. Yes I'm okay."

"Do you need to go outside or anything?" There was genuine worry in Mako's eyes, and her hand was still gripping his shoulder. 

"No...no I'm alright I think. I'm sorry, I get...very easily overwhelmed sometimes. I don't know what came over me." 

She nodded seriously and took her hand away from his shoulder. "I was talking an awful lot." She smiled. "I've been told that can be a little overwhelming."

He felt a wave of familiarity wash over him. Karla tried to make Hermann laugh after he got anxious or overwhelmed too. 

He gave her a meek smile. "It's not your fault." He promised, reaching to squeeze her hand like she had done for him. "Thankyou."


End file.
